The Email. . . .

I got an email from Travis. . .it made me feel so sad!  It didn’t say much, he just thanked me for dropping off some of his stuff at Pelican Bay.  I dropped it there on his day off so I wouldn’t have to see him, but I still wanted to look FABULOUS just in case because I haven’t had my “oops we ran into each other and I look amazing. . .eat your heart out” moment yet. 

In my past dating experience when you break up, there is ongoing dialogue for a few weeks/months because there is second guessing and regret.  This has been the hardest breakup ever because he moved out and that was basically it.  No phone calls, no stopping by to talk to me. . .nothing.  I still don’t get how I was so disposable. . . I just don’t get it.

Anyway, my point about the email, not only did it thank me for the stuff, but he asked if we could get together and just talk.  Just talk. . .what does that mean?  I was furious when I saw it.  I immediately closed it and fumed for the rest of the afternoon.  That may be a slight exaggeration since I was on vacation when I read it and I wasn’t about to ruin my trip because of him.  

But I did ponder my desire to answer it.  Part of me really does want to talk to him, maybe at the least get some understanding.  However, as my BFF said, I may have to make peace with the fact that I will never know.  The other part of me has no interest what so ever in speaking to him. . .ever!  I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what I wanted.  I had to talk to everyone I know and get their thoughts and input.  I received very diverse responses.  The most unhelpful was my friend Sue who refused to give me her thoughts and only said that she would support me no matter what.  It is so much easier to have someone tell you what to do so if it goes bad, you have someone to blame!!!!  I think she knew this and that is why she refused to answer. . .smart girl!

But my most helpful advice was from my friend Talia, she helped me walk through all my feelings about the email.  First she asked if I would be able to forgive him to the point to be in a relationship with him again, which I don’t know if I could.  How could I relax into a relationship with him knowing that at any minute he could just leave and not look back?  But most importantly she pointed out that he wasn’t saying that he wanted me back.  He wanted to “just talk”, which could be that he is looking to me to help him through his regret and remorse.  In her opinion, and I agree, if he wanted me back. . .he would do whatever he could to get in front of me – face to face to talk to me.  Not send me a lame email asking me to “just talk”.  Ahh. . .so smart Talia!  That changed the way I viewed the email and I know this doesn’t sound very Christian, but I don’t want to help him “recover” from us.   As well, I couldn’t help him. . .I am not healthy enough or strong enough yet to give of me for him. 

I am so glad I went for advice because this truly helped me see things from a very different perspective.  And thus I decided that I would respond, but not in a conventional manner.  Throughout the course of our relationship, we always communicated with music.  It is an amazing feeling having the man you love send you songs describing how much he loves you, play something that he spent weeks learning to play, sing a quiet breathy song in my ear as I fall asleep.  I think I have been spoiled for every future man because I now know that I want to be wooed with music.  Because of our history with music, I decided to send him a song that helped me express how I felt.  It seemed the best way to communicate with him since obviously old fashioned talking was not one of our strongest methods of communication. 

I simply replied with –

Since you respond best to music, I think this about sums up my feelings.

And I attached a link to Jar of Hearts. . . to sum it up it states –

No, I can't take one more step toward cause all that's waiting is regret, you lost the love I love the most, you’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul and you broke all your promises. 

It does have additional lines, of course, but I felt that those pretty much summed up my feelings about the whole situation.  I know, I know. . .it sounds harsh, but I am hurt and sad and I feel connected to that song. 

No surprise that I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t expect to, this is just one more brick on the road to recovery and healing.  We each heal in our own ways and in our own time.  Don’t feel ashamed if you do not heal in a way that someone else approves of, they do not know the road that you have walked.  Don’t feel disappointed in yourself if you don’t recover the way someone else would.  I have heard through the grapevine that he thinks I am acting crazy, he is totally welcome to his opinion, but he has not been through what I have.  I will not feel regretful that I am writing and sharing my experiences in this blog or on my Facebook page!

So, my friends.  . . .I am not encouraging you to act crazy (think bunny on the stovetop) but definitely grant yourself the luxury of feeling the emotions that you are feeling and don’t apologize for having those feelings!  The sooner that you move through all those feelings means you are so much closer to feeling better and moving on with someone else who is a better match for you!

Aloha