Friend Factor

I have heard so many times in life and in so many movies that guys don’t want to fall into the “friends” zone.  If a guy likes a girl then he must play his cards so that he doesn’t become just a friend.  You know, can’t wait too long before moving in for the kiss, can’t be too compassionate about a break up, “forget” the name of boyfriend/ex-boyfriend on purpose. . .

So, how’s Peter?

His name is Patrick. .

Oh, right. . .whatever  It’s all orchestrated to diminish Peter/Patrick!  Yes, guys. . we are on to your tricks!

Anyway, I am not sure I buy into that theory myself because Travis and I were friends for years before we started dating. He says he was always more than a friend, but nothing happened until we officially started dating, so technically, he should have been lost on lonely friend island forever.  But I knew that I was drawn to him that whole time and then it finally worked out that we coupled up.  I think that for me at least if I like you then no matter if you are an old friend or a new acquaintance I will know if I want to date you.  It may not happen right away, but I hope it happens sometime!

But now, I find myself wondering if the same friend factor works in reverse.  Can women fall into the friend zone to their male friends and be stuck there forever?   I have a male friend that I suddenly decided that I have a crush on. . I have known him for a long time but now I am looking at him in a whole new light.  I have been seeing him more and more lately which is when the newfound spark ignited.   However, he has a girlfriend and although I want him to be happy, I also just want to see if there really is something between us.  But, is it possible for me to fall strictly into being just his friend?  I listen to his stories about his girlfriend (and horribly ask questions about her), his family, his job.  I am a good listener, supportive, compassionate and I wonder if that is the direct route to you know where. . . If I continue in this fashion, will he never see me as anything more than a good friend?  Will I be the person he calls on when he needs to talk about his problems or needs a ride when his car breaks down or watch his dog when he takes the GF out of town for the weekend?   

I am not a home wrecker so I can’t encourage a breakup and like I said, I really do want him to be happy.  But should I change my approach to avoid ruining any future or should I just enjoy our friendship and maybe someday he will see me as someone special?  I just hope that if that day ever does happen, I still have this crush.  Is it possible that this crush is just a by-product of bad dates and a twice broken heart?

Surprise. . .surprise

So I had another topic planned for today but it will have to wait because life placed a better topic right in my lap at church Sunday.  As most of you know, I have now made the official move to my new church and attend there every Sunday. 

As I drive by the front door to park I see a man that seems so familiar to me.  I can’t place him but I know I have seen him. . .now before I jump to any conclusions, I tell myself that he is probably a regular that I saw last Sunday.  Then I see him walking right toward me smiling.

Do you remember me?

Um. . . Dang, I knew that he was familiar, but I don’t know why!

We met at First Presbyterian, I left you a note. . .

Lightbulb!!!  Ha, do you who he is?  Yes, oh yes. . .he is the 60 year old love noter!  

I heard you were here and I wanted to stop by and see you one more time.

Oh, of course.  Randall . . .right?  

Yes, I was so disappointed that the really pretty Sunday School teacher had left. And I wanted to see you again, I heard that you were up here so I came by just to see you again.  What do you do here?

I am the Youth Minister and I work with the middle schoolers and high schoolers.

That is great, I just got back from Mexico with a high school group and it was a great trip.  You have got a great job here.

I really do.  I can tell that this is not just a visit in an "official church capacity", but I really don't want to encourage a 60 year old man to hit on me. . .so my replies are very slow and short.

But I will sure miss seeing you every week.  I would see you on Sunday but I never got the nerve to say hi to you.  But I did leave a note on your desk.

Uh.. . . What is the appropriate response to that?

Well, here is my card and I really hope you call sometime.  I am a handy man so I could work on your house or we could grab a cup of coffee sometime.  

Thanks, do you live around here?  

No.  I moved here a few years ago to help out my parents so I live with them in Lely.

Um, did you notice that he lives with his parents?

Well, that is quite a drive up here.

Yes, but it was a beautiful drive and like I said, I wanted to see you.  I better go but I really hope you call.

Um. . .Ok.  I probably should have said. . .um. . .no, but I was in so much shock and I just really wanted the conversation to end.  Plus I don't think my backbone is that developed yet to be mean to a guy who is trying so hard to get my attention. . .even if we all know that this is not a good love match!

Who else in the world does this happen to?  Besides me???

Let’s take a moment to break it down bit by bit –

First – I never forget a face!  I may not be able to remember why I know the face, but I never forget it.  Today it would have been useful to not only recognize the face but to know why it was familiar.  Perhaps I could have prepared myself and come up with more response than uh and um and oh!

Secondly -  let’s not forget that he is 60 years old (not that I have let you forget that little nugget of info), that leaves love notes and lives with his parents.  So for those who thought he would be my sugar daddy when he originally left the note. . .um, yea that is not going to happen!

Thirdly -  if this were a cute guy that was in my age range I would have asked him to sit with me during church, gone to brunch with him following, had plans for another date and may even be planning a spring wedding!  How hot is it that a guy would take the effort to find out where you went and wanted to see you again just for the chance to see you?  Now that is the kind of wooing I am talking about!  Why can’t guys in the mid thirties to mid fourties offer up that kind of pursuit?  Sadly we must remember that this guy is 1 year younger than my mother!!

Finally -  what else is there to say?  Besides. . .holy crap!  I thought my love noter was over with the love note. . .but oh no!  And I have a feeling this is not over yet so I will keep you all posted of what happens next. . .you must know already that it will be good!

Black and White

I have a great new guy for you to go out with, he is handsome, funny, so smart and he always smells good.  He has his doctorate and is a retired pro football player.  I think you guys would be great together but I have one question for you. . .

Ok. . .he sounds amazing so what’s wrong with him? I reply hesitantly.

How do you feel about dating black guys?

Uh. . . um. . .I have never dated a black guy before.  In fact I have never dated anyone who isn’t white. . . But why not, I’ll give it a try.

Good. . I will give him your number.  I am so excited about this and I think you will love him!

So this is how my newest dating adventure started.  I don’t think I have a problem with dating some who is black, but I am nervous because well. . .right off the bat there is a big difference between us.  But as I have been learning throughout this journey. . .I am willing to try anything and see what happens.

The next day I get a voicemail from Matthew and he has a very deep and sexy voice.  My friend Karen that set up this love connection also told me that he is tall and super muscular, match that with his sexy voice and I was definitely interested in seeing what he looked like. 

But getting to find out if there was a love connection turned out to be harder than I thought with my new smarty footballer.  After 5 days, 10 calls and a bunch of voicemails we still have yet to talk on the phone, live and in person.  We decided to switch to texting since that could be done anytime. . .anywhere.    But even that seemed to run hot and cold with him. . .one day I would get –

Thinking of you today. . .can’t wait to meet!

Then the next day I would get –

I bore easily, since we can’t seem to connect I think we should back off.

Ugh. . .really. . .not loving that!  But then he called and we talked and it was good!  We spent the whole evening on the phone talking about everything from our kids to our jobs to our families. . you get the idea!  And we planned a date for Friday night. . .my friend Karen aka the matchmaker offered to babysit,  I had my outfit planned and  I was ready to try something new. . . but then he canceled.  He had to go out of town at the last minute for work and would not be home until late Friday night.

The sweet texts started again.  I was bummed that he couldn’t make it but then he sent me a pic. . .ok, I think I could maybe live with his business trip because he was cute and muscular and had a great smile.  He asked for a pic in return and I obliged. . .

You are so beautiful

Yep. . .I really am stinkin adorable!

We decided to reschedule for Saturday night. . .Karen was free to babysit on Saturday night too. . . so we were all set and I was again excited to see what would happen. . .but then I got -   

I can’t make it tonight. . .got sick last night so I can’t make it.  Some other time?

Well. . .that just seems like it is too much for me.  He had been running hot and cold this whole time but then to be ditched two nights in a row?  Really?!?  Was I being too high maintenance?  I remember when I had my first date with the kids dad, he was sick but he went anyway because he didn’t want to cancel on me and make me feel like he wasn’t interested.    Is it too much to ask for that again? 

I decided that there was just way too much drama involved before we even met. . .if we did develop into a relationship. . .how much drama would there be then?  I think WAY too much for me!  So, I sent him a text  (since talking on the phone was still too challenging)

I really enjoyed talking to you but I don’t think we are a good match.  I was looking forward to meeting you but you seem to have a lot going on. 

To which I got this nasty reply –

I only spoke with you on the phone once and I really thought you were a good hearted person.  We both know that if I was Tom Brady instead of being black I would have been considered worth the wait.  I am old enough to know that when it’s all said and done, it was my color that was the problem.

Um,  really?  What an insult. . .if I had a problem with the whole black thing, then I would have never agreed to  start talking to him.  No, really this has to do with me wanting what I want. . which is a guy to sweep me off my feet!  I don’t want to be kept waiting, I don’t want to feel like he will want me one day and not want me the next day.  Maybe for some that is too much to ask but for the right guy. . .it will come naturally!

So. . .I never got my chance to find out if it is true.  If what is true, you ask?  You know, the old expression. . .”once you go black you never go back!”   Hehehe. . .but you never know what the future will hold!

The Checklist

In preparing for house guests, I was forced to clean up my back bedroom which the kids affectionately call the “junk room”.  I am embarrassed to admit that I have lived in my house for a year and eight months and still have boxes to unpack.  Instead of unpacking them, I just put them in the junk room until I feel compelled to look through them.  Well, now is the time. . .

As I was unpacking, I found an old journal. . . .needless to say I had to sit and read a few pages of who I was and what I was thinking back in 1994.  My oh my. . .I am so different now than I was at 20!  Maybe one day I will share some of those stories, but for the purpose of this blog, we will talk about my list.  You know, the list we all have of what qualities we want in a partner, what are negotiable and what are complete deal  breakers!  Let’s compare 37 year old Annie with 20 year old Annie and see how many of the items on my list still apply today and which ones I was completely off my rocker!

Necessary Qualities –

1994                                                                                                       2011

Must have sense of humor                                                         Always good to make me laugh.

Cannot have bad temper                                                            Yep, don’t want an angry Santa.

Must have dark hair                                                                    Really don’t care. . .kinda like bald now!

Wants kids/good with kids                                                       Required that he must like kids, but can’t    want any more because I can’t have anymore.

Cares about the environment                                                   Yea. . .I still like that one.

Has direction in life                                                                     Hopefully they have found their direction and at our age are not still searching for their direction.

Can laugh at himself                                                                   Want him to laugh at himself and lovingly poke fun at me!

Qualities I would like, but not required –

1994                                                                                                       2011

Financially secure                                                                        Hmm, I wonder what that meant when I was 20. . .did it mean just having a job? But someone good with money is important to me now.

Older than me but under 28.                                                     I was willing to go 8 years older than me back then, which I will still consider but I have now learned my lesson in dating too young.  I want someone from 35 – 45. . .younger than that means unsure of what he wants and older than that means grandpa!

Has a drivers license                                                                     Um, yea. . .that is pretty important!

A good relationship with his parents                                      A guy who is good with mom and dad can melt anyone’s heart!

Educated                                                                                          I would say that still applies, I like me a smart guy (notice the grammar in that statement. . please note it was done on purpose!)

Absolute Deal Breakers –

1994                                                                                                       2011

Heavy Drinker                                                                               Glass of wine occasionally, sure.  Beer with the game or with wings, ok. . .but I still agree a heavy drinker is a deal breaker.

Heavy Smoker                                                                             I guess in 1994 smoking was ok for me as long as he didn’t smoke too heavily!  Any smoking is a deal breaker for me now.

No Drugs                                                                                        Right. . .no drugs!

Cannot be anal                                                                             I think this was fallout from my completely OCD dad!  But I guess it still applies.

Cannot lie or steal                                                                      I remember exactly where this came from. . .a guy asked me to dinner in college and when the meal was over he told me to go out of the restaurant first and when no one was looking he would dash too.  I said absolutely not and forced him to pay the bill. . . he didn’t ask me out again!

Wow, that was an amusing exercise in my development and maturity.  It was fun to look back at what was important to me 17 years ago and which ones still apply to me now. 

I guess when I find someone great, I will know by the connection between us and not base everything on a pros and cons list.  But let’s keep this list handy and when I tell you all about a new guy that I am interested in dating more than once we will do a quick run through of the checklist! 

Unrequited Like

You know the worst thing about dating is unrequited love. . .well more specifically unrequited like. . unrequited attraction?  Ok, let me just tell you what I am talking about without trying to be fancy.  You know, that moment when you see someone and you think to your self that it sure would be nice to get to know this guy a little more but then they just don’t seem to have the same thought. 

I was out with friends recently listening to an average band but enjoying the above average company of my friends more. 

Hey, that guy over there is totally checking you out. 

I scan the crowd and sure enough there is a guy looking right at me.  As soon as I caught him looking, he looked away.  He is cute, maybe 40 (much closer to my age than grandpa from the last blog!), dark hair, no ring on the important finger. . .so I am excited that he is checking me out. 

He’s cute!

Yea, but I don’t know.  I say pretending that I don’t care that he is looking at me but hoping on the inside that I will get to talk to him.   

As the night goes on I keep waiting for some move from him but all I get is the across the room eye lock and that flirty half smile.  I give him the flirty half smile back then we drop our eye lock and go back to talking to our friends, this exchange happens several times. 

Finally it is getting late and my friends and I are leaving, I see him watching me as we gather up our stuff and make our way to the exit.  I give him one more smile then I am gone. . .never to see him again!

Here’s what I would like to know. . .what is that?   Did I read the signs wrong?  I don’t think so.   Was he really not interested?  This was a whole evening of across the room flirt only to have it wasted because it didn’t develop into. . . well anything!  Why wouldn’t he make a move?  Doesn’t every guy know that when a girl reciprocates the eye lock and smile that it is the green light to move in?  Perhaps my male readers could help me better understand what was happening.   And perhaps offer a bit of advice. . . Maybe I am not as good at the flirty smile as I thought I was?   Maybe I should practice at home like in middle school when I would practice kissing on my hand?  Ha!  No, I don't think I will go that far. . .

Ahhh, well. . .unrequited like. . .another hiccup in the road of dating!

Love Notes

Ok. . .so get this.  I am in the process of switching jobs and moving from one church to another.  During the transition, I am working at both places for a few weeks until the “old” church is set up for my departure.  Anyway, you are wondering what this could possibly have to do with my yet again newly single life. . . .

A lady from the “old”church, Amanda, came up to me on Monday morning and said that a man was asking about me.  To which Kathy (my friend at the chuch) responded with –

Oh. . .what man would this be?  With that tone that I immediately recognized. . .the tone of oh look. . .we will find you a date!

I don’t know who he was, I think his name was Rich or Ron or something.  Anyway, he wanted to know where you were because he wanted to speak with you.  When I told him that you were leaving our church for another position and he was very disappointed.  He said that you had made quite an impression on him and he was sad to see you leave.

Who was this guy?  Kathy asked as she was setting me up on a date in her head!

I don’t know. . .but he was impressed with Annie.

The whole thing was just too weird for me. . .I never make that big of an impression on anyone especially enough so that they pursue me like this.  Well, not since high school. . . now I am just an old, haggard mom that no one gives a second glance too.  You may be thinking that this conversation doesn’t really seem like a big enough deal to make the blog. . .but wait it gets better.

The next day when I get to work. . .there is a note on my desk. . .yes a note. 

I was looking forward to seeing you again to let you know how nice it was to meet you. . but I hear you are leaving?  Please call me.  Randall Smith 555-5555.

Um. . .does that seem like a elementary note to you?  I like you do you like me. . circle yes or  no?  Who does that?

I call Kathy into my office immediately to show her the note. 

I know. . .he was here yesterday and he asked for you.  When I told him you weren’t here he left that note. 

So, you saw him. . .who is he?

Oh Annie. . .you have to see this.  And she pulled out the church directory to his picture.

Are you ready for this?  The guy is attractive. . .for a 60 year old man!!!  What does all this mean?  Is he interested in asking me out?  Is he looking for my help with finding him an assisted living home?  Or is he just interested in talking to me about the church?  Or does he have a son my age that he wants to set me up with?  I don’t know!  Do I call him at all or do I just ignore this whole weird situation?

Normally when I ask these questions. . .I already have the answer and I have already done whatever I thought was right.  But honestly dear readers. . .WHAT DO I DO?  Do I try to snag myself a sugar daddy!

So, do I call him or not?

The Break-Up, part 2

A friend of mine said that if someone leaves once. .. they will do it again.  I used this statement as a way to open up the conversation with Travis.  Boy oh boy. . .was that a mistake!  Of course I didn’t get the answer I wanted to hear which started a huge fight. 

I guess where I am coming from is I was looking for confirmation that he wasn’t going to leave again.  But instead I got that he is scared and overwhelmed by our relationship.  What?!?  Again?!?    What kind of person does this to someone more than once?  I just don’t understand!  Then. . . he dropped a bombshell on me.
I’m sorry I am not on the same timeline as you are.

Let me take you back a moment and share with you why that is a bombshell.  I have not put a timeline on any part of this relationship.  I haven’t been able to figure out when it would be good to reintroduce him to the kids, I haven’t been about to decide when we would say that we are a couple.  You get the idea.  But he has been making statements like –

I have been thinking about when we should get married and maybe we should do it when we originally planned.  Which was 9/10/11. . .like 3 months!

I think I should start going to church with you because how would it look that the husband of the Youth Minister doesn’t go to the same church.

Ok. . .so I am not crazy in thinking that we are pretty serious, right?  So when he said that I am on a different timeline. . are you freakin’ kidding me?  I am on the timeline that you have created.   But this is what he does. . .he doesn’t share his feelings then whammo. . .leaves!!!!

I was pissed and I yelled at him

This is not ok!  Don’t make me out to look like the wedding crazy girlfriend pushing you down the aisle. 

Then he says -

So, do you want some space?

Yeah. . .that is exactly what is good for this relationship. . space!  Um. . .wasn’t it space that jacked everything up?  But. . .yea. . .let’s try that again!  I hope you can feel the sarcasm oozing out of those statements!  And, that is how I got some space from this relationship again. . . no calls, no texts, no stopping by.  During the last 6 weeks, he would stop over all the time, every night after the kids went to bed he was here.  We would be together during any free moment we had. . .but not tonight. 

The next day was his day off. . ironically another Monday (first time he left was a Monday).  No calls, no plans to spend the day together, nothing!  So I called him.

Oh, I was going to call you today. . .you just beat me to it.

Really?!?  How could he not see what a complete and utter jackass he was being?  How could he not see the pain he was causing me. . . again!?!

But then we talked and really talked, not yelling or fighting, just serious, real, open talking.  I learned a lot more about him and our relationship then I had known ever and it really opened my eyes to where we were and what kind of future we might have.  I learned that he really didn’t see a future with me and that he felt that he was forcing his feelings with me sometimes. 

So, I was faced with a decision. . .stay and see if it works itself out or leave and see if I can find the right person who really does see a future with me.  Seeing that I am getting up there in years. . .I made the decision to stop and put myself on the singles market again.  I could be mad, sad, disappointed and frustrated, but really I am just so thankful that he was honest with me about his feelings.  Better to know now then to find out in 6 months. ..a year. . .5 years.  I would really be old then!!!

Because of the division in our friends throughout of the first breakup. . I feel you should know that he and I are friends.  We started as friends and we are choosing to resume our friendship, we talk on the phone, agreed to be there if the other needs help. . .you know. .. being friends!!  We do not want anyone to feel they have to choose Team Annie or Team Travis. . .but we all know which one you would choose! 

I am not super excited by the idea of dating again but what other choice do I have?  I can’t picture myself as an old spinster with a bunch of cats!  I will put myself out there again into the scary and crazy world of dating. I have the support of my friends and family, my friends have already jumped in with the always beneficial advice –

The minute you stop looking for love. . .it will find you.

You are a great girl. . any guy would be lucky to have you.

You know. . .we have all heard these lines and we have all said them. . . let’s just continue on this crazy adventure see where singlehood takes me!  I have a feeling it is going to be weird, funny and sadly true!!!