What does forgiveness look like? Is it saying that what you did to hurt me is ok, of course not. Is it saying that I will take you back into my life? Maybe. . .
But my version of forgiveness was making both of us miserable and turning me into a person I didn’t want to be. So why would I want to continue doing this to myself and to him? I thought by talking to him again equated forgiveness. . . .miserable, angry forgiveness. Forgiveness that justified me making his life miserable and to make him hurt as much as he hurt me.
Suddenly. . .I had a total light bulb moment. . .suddenly it all became clear. That my version of forgiveness was completely backward and messed up. Let me tell you. . .that was a hard pill to swallow! I didn’t want to be hurt and wrong at the same time. . .because that just sucks! My light bulb moment came one night while I was reading "The True Measure of a Woman" for my bookclub -
Maybe you are afraid your future will be like your past. Now is the time to put the past to rest. When we excuse our behavior by our past, we say, “I’ve earned the right to be this way because of what you have done to me.” This attitude portrays the presence of unforgiveness in our hearts. Unforgiveness will keep us bound to our past.
Whammo! Smacked right in the head with that one. . .my method of “forgiveness” was really just my excuse to hurt him. . .which ultimately hurts me too. . .and my kids. Mind you the kids have no idea that Travis and I are even talking. . .but still will ultimately hurt them too.
The book continued on talking about that how we only believe that we can forgive if that other person proves they have changed. The choice is mine to forgive or not and is not hinged on his behavior. I can choose to forgive but also choose to not have him as part of my life. Or I can choose to forgive and have faith . . .in him. . .in me. .. in our relationship. Have faith in the things I knew to be true before he got scared of the unknown future.
Although I see myself as the “victim” here I am also the one who holds the power to choose to forgive! But how do you do that? I guess I could say it was simple, but it was 4 months of pain to get to the simple decision. Just say to myself that enough is enough and I am done being mad, I am done being bitter and I am done trying to hurt you. I guess I needed the 4 months of pain to be at a point to be able to think and say those things to myself and to him.
I was excited to share my revelation with him. We had plans to go out the next night and so far the night was a complete surprise to me. He wasn’t giving me any hints at what we would be doing and I wasn’t giving any hints at what I would be telling him either. I was so excited!
The night flew by so fast and he had everything planned down to the minute. That is definitely one of his strengths. . .romance! The man definitely knows how to give good woo! We started at happy hour, then moved on to dinner, followed by sunset at the beach and closed up with the Tamiami Cigar Bar. The ending sounds a bit off . . .how often do you take a non-smoking cancer survivor to a Cigar Bar? But he is also a very good listener because I had told him that I wanted to try a cigar bar sometime!
I had just been enjoying the night and hadn’t jumped into my big news, but as we were cuddled up in the private room of the Cigar Bar each with a cigar and a glass of wine. . .now was the time:
So, I have been doing some thinking and I realized that although we have been talking and hanging out. . I have been awful to be around. I have been picking fights and making both of us miserable. Then I read something about forgiveness and it really changed the way I see our situation. It made me realize that I want to forgive you and make this work and stop trying to understand or get a justification from you as to why you left. . . so, I want to be your girlfriend again. I want to work this out.
He sat quietly listening to me but not making eye contact. . . just played with his glass of wine and said –
I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do it and I don’t want to make a mistake again. I know I hurt you and I don’t want to do that to you ever again. I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I am the kind of guy you want. Take tonight for example, I can’t plan dates like this all the time.
I interrupted him with, I am not asking for dates like this all the time. Sometimes it is great, but I want to just curl up on the couch with you and watch movies. I don’t need all this.
But everything you say in your blog is about how you want a strong guy who takes care of you and I don’t know if I am that guy.
I was stunned and hurt. I was hoping he would be as excited as I was. . .the guy who was at my house just a few short days ago telling me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Where was he? One thing I did learn throughout this whole experience is that when he left, I should have said what I was feeling and not get caught up in my hurt feelings by remaining silent, watching him walk out the door. I had already come out on a limb this much tonight. .. might as well go all the way and tell him everything I was thinking even though my feelings were hurt again by his lack of excitement.
There will be times in life that I will be the strong one and times that you will be. But I will not let you hide. I will call you when I feel like it, I will tell you I love you because I do. I will not play a little game of waiting until you call me. If I want to talk to you, I will call you. I will be in a full, normal relationship with you and we cannot pretend that we don’t have a history. We are not starting from scratch where we have to play little games, we are together. . . we are a couple and I am going to act that way. This is the moment that I will be the strong one.
Oh. . .I was sweatin saying all that. I was terrified that I would get rejected by this man that I really do love. . .again! But instead, he leaned over and gently kissed me. Then he pulled my head to the side of his and he whispered,
Thank you
My heart was overflowing with joy and fear and anticipation and excitement and. . . and. . .and. . .you name it I was feeling it!
So here is how we began being us again. . we began being the couple that belong together, that work together and that will fight to make us whole again. I can only hope that the next time I am faced with being the strong one, I will be able to put aside my feelings and do what is right for the relationship.