I thought moving forward with Travis would be easy. . . ok, I am not completely delusional. I knew there would be challenges, but I was not prepared for the storm of anger that overcame me. We had been on two fabulous dates (more accurately, one fabulous date and one accidental lunch) to which I will still call two fabulous dates. And I got to hear the words that I had been waiting to hear. . .his love for me and his desire to work it out. That should be a good start, right? Maybe it is a good start, but not good enough to take away the rage!
I suddenly became someone I didn’t even like, every time he called I would find a way to pick a fight. When one of us would be so sick of fighting, we would hang up and I would throw the phone down and I would say to myself –
Yep, never going to hear from him again!
But shockingly, the next morning I would get a text from him –
Good morning beautiful. I hope you have a great day.
And I would be shocked and pleased that he didn’t run away. That is really what it came down to. . .I was going to push him away from me as hard as I could and make his life miserable just to see if he would come back. This was maybe 50% conscious and 50% sub-conscious. I can’t say that I was intentionally picking these fights because when I would get the text, I would tell myself that I would be nicer to him today. But then inevitably, every conversation was so awkward and uncomfortable that we would end up fighting again. Gone were the easy, carefree conversations of our dates. . .pre-working it out. Now the floodgates of emotion have been opened and we were forced to deal with all the gunk! During our relationship, we didn’t really fight. . .ever. We had a couple disagreements, but we never raised our voices to each other. Now. . oh boy. . .now we were FIGHTING! The whopper came one Saturday night. It was the normal, slightly awkward conversation that spiraled out of control so quickly. Of course the root of the fight was him leaving me –
How can you not see what a jerk you were to me and the kids?
You didn’t even give me the common courtesy to talk to me, you just left. . .who does that but a coward!
I told you this wouldn’t be easy and I was right. . .what are you going to do about it? Run away. . .again?!?
You get the idea of how nasty I was being. I didn’t want to be but I didn’t know how to stop, until he yelled back at me –
Just stop it. ..that is enough! I will not let you continue to tear me down!
And I stopped yelling and tearing him down for that moment, it caught me off guard. So I quietly said into the phone.
I have to go. . .I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
When we hung up, I definitely thought, yep. . .never hearing from him again!
The next day, I was at brunch with some friends. . .those friends were the same friends we were with the night he proposed. Although I had seen them since the proposal, this was the first time it was all of us together at one time. I was painfully aware that I was the only single one in the bunch and I was flooded with memories of the last time we were all together. It was such a fun and happy night with kids playing, parents talking, laughing and drinking. And at the end of it all. . .a ring and a promise of a lifetime together.
But this brunch was the lonely single girl and 2 happily married couples of which I was envious. They had what I wanted and had come so close to having with Travis. I shared with the girls about our fight the night before and sadly that morning. . .there was no text from him wishing me a good morning. I had done it; I had pushed him so hard that I pushed him to leave. It’s what I knew I was doing . . .well 50% of me knew it, so why should I be surprised that he actually did it? A self fulfilling prophecy, right?
So, if I was trying to push him away, why was I sad when I had succeeded at my goal? Well, duh! It wasn’t what I really wanted but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable with him. I am too scared of getting hurt.
I know this blog does not portray me in the best light. . .I know that I look like an angry Santa in it and I don’t want to be so angry. But I am. . .I will not allow myself to feel hurt any more. . .it is so much easier and self-preserving to feel anger.
By the end of the day, Travis did text me and we did talk. But nothing feels different. . .I have a feeling I will be picking another fight because I am waiting to hear some magic words that will make me want to forgive him and make me let go of being angry. So . . .what does forgiveness look like?
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