The Online World

My mom is incredible, she is my best friend and the best possible mom.  She is funny because she is conservative but a bit wacky at the same time because she is an artist too.  For a long time, she was single then she met a great guy.  One would think that a 60 year old woman would meet people at the country club, she tried that and he was a jerk!  Or she might meet someone at a golf lesson, nah. . .she is not that into golf.  So she found the next best way to meet people. . . online!  I know, I was shocked too!  She joined Match.com and after a couple bad or boring dates, she found a good guy. 

Because of this experience, she tends to speak very highly of online dating and “encourages” people to try it out.  By encourage, I mean she will go to their house, take their picture, fill out their profiles then give them dating tips to ensure a successful date. 

I thought, since I am still trying to effectively flex the flirt muscle, I would give it a try. . .but I would not pay for it, I still have some old fashioned girl in me and I couldn’t imagine paying for a date.  So, I tried it for free and WOW what an experience.   Let me begin with the phone calls, emails and IM’s and in some future blogs you will get the hear all about the dates! 

Now one would think, how bad could an email or a phone call be?  That is the “safe” part of dating.  The beauty of email is you can think about your response, re-read/re-type your thoughts so they come out just right.  Likewise, the beauty of a phone call is you can lay in bed in your jammies (or whatever is your comfort zone. . .bed and jammies is mine), while relaxing in your comfort zone it is much easier to be witty and charming.  But, let me share with you the ridiculous crapola I got to hear.  As an aside, after reading this you will be shocked that I actually agreed to meet anyone in person.  But this would not be a very fun blog if I didn’t have so so so much to share.

Moving on to my point. . . Let’s begin with a fun night IMing with Muses.  This is obviously not his name, but his screen name.  I can’t remember if I actually know his real name or not, probably erased it from my memory due to the trauma of having to communicate with him.  You may find that is the case for all the email/phone call “dates”.

Anyway, being new to online dating, I was anxiously reading my emails because I was sure that I would have a ton of great guys to choose from.   I would have to wade through a mountain of hot eligible bachelors, right?  That is what you see on all the ads for online sites, click here to meet sexy singles in your area.  Oh, but wait. . .that isn’t how it works and I don’t know where they hide the sexy singles because try as I might, I couldn’t find any of them.  Instead I had to wade through a dozen creepy, old or extremely unattractive people.  I don’t want to sound too good for the average person, but I will say that I am really stinkin’ adorable and I am not interested in creepy, old or unattractive!

Yet again, I digress.  As I am wading through these emails, yes I am reading them for amusement but not taking them seriously, I get an IM from Muses.  I take a quick scan of his profile, single – ok, cute picture – check, dad to a cute kid – got it, kinda witty – right on.  Ok, I can spend a little time talking to him.

It begins as generic as most conversations do:

Hi

Hi, how are you (this is me. . .see how I have far more words than him?)

Good

Um. . .so am I supposed to respond to that?  Did he change his mind about wanting to talk to me?  Is he not a very good conversationalist?  Is it my job in the online dating world to carry the conversation?  So, I wait to see what happens next.  You know what I get?  Nothing.  Then he is gone, offline.  Really???  What was that?  Now I feel bad about myself, how did I screw up Hi, how are you?  I didn’t even know you could screw up Hi, how are you!!! 

But then a little later he pops open a new IM window, no explanation of where he was, just

Hi

Does he not realize I am the same person he already pulled this rico suave line on?  Being as difficult as I can be and not wanting to make the same mistake with the obviously to personal “how are you” I reply with

Hi

What are you doing?

Nothing, what are you doing?

Nothing.  Just watching NCIS on tv.

Oh. . .

Yeah. . .It is a good show.

Yeah. . .

I know. . .right?!?  If you think this is boring to read now just imagine how I felt that night actually having to endure this conversation!  This is how it went on, I could try to bore you with a play by play, but I think you get the idea of what it was like!  It never progessed past nothingness!  . . .not loving my first experience with the online dating thing!

Ahh, but lets move to my next im, shall we? 

Incoming IM from Magsincognito, again quick scan of profile: tall – check, attractive – check, no kids – check, big family – check.  Ok. . .I will accept your IM!  Again begins with the boring, generic crap until we get to the part when we talk about our jobs.  I tell him that I am the Children’s Ministry Coordinator for a church, not which church because that was a tip from my mom to not share too much info!  Then suddenly, my IM is bumped into overdrive because Magsincognito is sending me bible verse after bible verse after bible verse.  I am huge in my faith, so much so that I have made it my job, but that does not mean that I want to get spewed googled bible verses.   I didn’t know how to end the conversation, I tried by sending a quick. . .oops, gotta go kids are calling me, but I don’t think he saw it in his intense desire to send me the entire bible via IM.  I couldn’t seem to get through to him but I so badly wanted to end this insanity. . what to do, what to do?  I hit the little red X in the corner.  I think I may have screeched a little too when I did it because I felt like I was hanging up on someone and felt a little bad about it!

Next “conversation”. . . .

Back to the email waiting in my inbox. . .I see a message from Pennaguy, I have now mastered how to single handedly jump from my inbox to the profile, scan quickly and back to the email in record time.  It should be considered for an Olympic sport and I would be a worthy contender.  Anyway, Pennaguy. . .height – check, has a job – always good (I feel my standards waning even just in reading the emails!), but wait. . .let me examine that picture a little closer.  He looks so familiar to me, I know him from somewhere, but where?  Ahh. . .I’ve got it!  About a year ago I went out with some friends to the Blue Martini.  It was a really fun “theme” night and we all dressed in animal prints.  While there, I met Pennaguy, we chatted and at the end of the night exchanged phone numbers.  The next day he called me to tell me that he wasn’t really interested in dating me because he wasn’t over his wife.  Humiliation!!!!  Well. . . here he is again. . now he is interested!  We email for a few days and there was never really a spark in the conversation that inspired either of us to want to talk to each other on the phone.  However, I did bring up the fact that we had met a year earlier and he simply said. . .yea, we could have. . I meet a lot of people there!   Ugh, really?  He didn’t even remember me!  So sad!

Only after successfully charming me via IM, I would hand out my cell to the worthy men.   Let’s meet Rodnoids, yes I know I should have known from that name, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.  In the future, don’t give them the benefit of the doubt!

Rodnoids picture was in a tux, very handsome, profile was good. . very cute in IM world, not so much in the real world!  He calls right when he says he will, good sign.  He is very chatty, another good sign.  Until I start listening to what he is saying. . . let’s listen, here are the highlights. .

Yea, my f#$% job sucks. .everyone there are f#$% losers and they are f#$% jealous of me because I make like 3 f#$%ing times more than them.  Then when I was 5 I almost f$%^ing died so now I don’t take s@#$ from anyone because I know what it is like to almost f#$%ing die.  Then I have a total f#$% slut cat, she will f#$% almost anything.

Oh my, I don’t even say anything, but I don’t have to because he is keeping himself busy with the f word and slut cats????  I don’t even know where to begin with dissecting this so I will allow you, my gentle readers to draw your own conclusions.  But before you do, let me add when is it ever acceptable in conversation to use the expression f#$%ing slut cats?

My problem at that moment is I don’t know how to get a word in to get off the phone with him and you see above how troubling it was for me to “hang up” on someone via IM so I certainly couldn’t do it on an actual phone!  So, what do I do?  I shamefully pretend to talk to Morgan (who is asleep in bed) which he hears and stops talking for a moment then I say to him, “oh I’m so sorry but my daughter isn’t feeling well, I have to go.”  Works like a charm!  He is gone, with the request for me to call him back once I get her settled in.  Yea, dude. . .I am pretending to talk to my sleeping daughter to get off the phone with you. . . I'm thinking I am not calling you back, but thanks for wanting to continue this lovely conversation!

As I mentioned above, you are probably shocked that I would be willing to actually venture out on a date after this, but I am a true soldier!   I will not stop until my mission is complete!  Ha!