Can I Forgive?

What does forgiveness look like?  Is it saying that what you did to hurt me is ok, of course not.  Is it saying that I will take you back into my life?  Maybe. . .

But my version of forgiveness was making both of us miserable and turning me into a person I didn’t want to be.  So why would I want to continue doing this to myself and to him?  I thought by talking to him again equated forgiveness. . . .miserable, angry forgiveness.  Forgiveness that justified me making his life miserable and to make him hurt as much as he hurt me.  

Suddenly. . .I had a total light bulb moment. . .suddenly it all became clear.  That my version of forgiveness was completely backward and messed up.  Let me tell you. . .that was a hard pill to swallow!  I didn’t want to be hurt and wrong at the same time. . .because that just sucks!  My light bulb moment came one night while I was reading "The True Measure of a Woman" for my bookclub -

Maybe you are afraid your future will be like your past.  Now is the time to put the past to rest.  When we excuse our behavior by our past, we say, “I’ve earned the right to be this way because of what you have done to me.”  This attitude portrays the presence of unforgiveness in our hearts.  Unforgiveness will keep us bound to our past.

Whammo!  Smacked right in the head with that one. . .my method of “forgiveness” was really just my excuse to hurt him. . .which ultimately hurts me too. . .and my kids.  Mind you the kids have no idea that Travis and I are even talking. . .but still will ultimately hurt them too.

The book continued on talking about that how we only believe that we can forgive if that other person proves they have changed.  The choice is mine to forgive or not and is not hinged on his behavior.  I can choose to forgive but also choose to not have him as part of my life.  Or I can choose to forgive and have faith . . .in him. . .in me. .. in our relationship.  Have faith in the things I knew to be true before he got scared of the unknown future.

Although I see myself as the “victim” here I am also the one who holds the power to choose to forgive!  But how do you do that?  I guess I could say it was simple, but it was 4 months of pain to get to the simple decision.  Just say to myself that enough is enough and I am done being mad, I am done being bitter and I am done trying to hurt you.  I guess I needed the 4 months of pain to be at a point to be able to think and say those things to myself and to him.

I was excited to share my revelation with him.  We had plans to go out the next night and so far the night was a complete surprise to me.  He wasn’t giving me any hints at what we would be doing and I wasn’t giving any hints at what I would be telling him either.  I was so excited!

The night flew by so fast and he had everything planned down to the minute.  That is definitely one of his strengths. . .romance!  The man definitely knows how to give good woo!  We started at happy hour, then moved on to dinner, followed by sunset at the beach and closed up with the Tamiami Cigar Bar.  The ending sounds a bit off . . .how often do you take a non-smoking cancer survivor to a Cigar Bar?  But he is also a very good listener because I had told him that I wanted to try a cigar bar sometime!

I had just been enjoying the night and hadn’t jumped into my big news, but as we were cuddled up in the private room of the Cigar Bar each with a cigar and a glass of wine. . .now was the time:

So, I have been doing some thinking and I realized that although we have been talking and hanging out. . I have been awful to be around.  I have been picking fights and making both of us miserable.  Then I read something about forgiveness and it really changed the way I see our situation.  It made me realize that I want to forgive you and make this work and stop trying to understand or get a justification from you as to why you left. . . so, I want to be your girlfriend again.  I want to work this out.

He sat quietly listening to me but not making eye contact. . . just played with his glass of wine and said –

I don’t know.  I don’t know if I can do it and I don’t want to make a mistake again.  I know I hurt you and I don’t want to do that to you ever again.  I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I am the kind of guy you want.  Take tonight for example, I can’t plan dates like this all the time.

I interrupted him with, I am not asking for dates like this all the time.  Sometimes it is great, but I want to just curl up on the couch with you and watch movies.  I don’t need all this.

But everything you say in your blog is about how you want a strong guy who takes care of you and I don’t know if I am that guy.

I was stunned and hurt.  I was hoping he would be as excited as I was. . .the guy who was at my house just a few short days ago telling me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.  Where was he?  One thing I did learn throughout this whole experience is that when he left, I should have said what I was feeling and not get caught up in my hurt feelings by remaining silent, watching him walk out the door.  I had already come out on a limb this much tonight. .. might as well go all the way and tell him everything I was thinking even though my feelings were hurt again by his lack of excitement.

There will be times in life that I will be the strong one and times that you will be.  But I will not let you hide.  I will call you when I feel like it, I will tell you I love you because I do.  I will not play a little game of waiting until you call me.  If I want to talk to you, I will call you.  I will be in a full, normal relationship with you and we cannot pretend that we don’t have a history.  We are not starting from scratch where we have to play little games, we are together. . . we are a couple and I am going to act that way.  This is the moment that I will be the strong one.

Oh. . .I was sweatin saying all that.  I was terrified that I would get rejected by this man that I really do love. . .again!  But instead, he leaned over and gently kissed me.  Then he pulled my head to the side of his and he whispered,

Thank you

My heart was overflowing with joy and fear and anticipation and excitement and. . . and. . .and. . .you name it I was feeling it! 

So here is how we began being us again. . we began being the couple that belong together, that work together and that will fight to make us whole again.  I can only hope that the next time I am faced with being the strong one, I will be able to put aside my feelings and do what is right for the relationship.

Men are from Mars???

I was cleaning the house today and thinking about what I wanted today’s topic to be.  I have been so serious lately. . .because reconciliation and relationships can be serious business and I was told by a friend that I should add some humor again so I don’t lose my readers.  I hope you all are not reading just to get some laughs. . .because I am so not funny!  I also have a friend who is planning on who will play him in the movie version of my blog so I better not lose readers if I am going to make it to Hollywood!

While sweeping my floor I was thinking about the difference between men and women.  We get thrown all this stuff about how different we are, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. . .you know what I am talking about.  But I think it is all a big conspiracy by men, notice that book is written. . .BY A MAN. . .perpetuating this belief!  But let’s take a look for a moment at what men don’t want us to see, kind of a “don’t look at the man behind the curtain”.  Men distract the ladies with burps, farts and general grossness in order to take the focus off the fact that they are sensitive, gentle and emotional creatures!  Picture this:

Man sitting on the couch watching his favorite football team with friends.  His team wins the game in the last couple of seconds and the team goes crazy with joy, hugging each other, jumping on top of each other.  The man on the couch is caught up in the emotion and if it were a woman she may shed a tear of joy.  But the man, although he also wants to shed that tear, doesn’t want to show anyone that he has feelings so instead busts out a huge burp and makes the men in the room laugh and the women roll their eyes.

Perfect example of when a guy is having the exact same emotions as us. . .but has to hide it behind disgusting!!!

So. . .I am going to pull back the curtain that the men are hiding behind and rip open this conspiracy:

Bromance vs girl crush – Dudes want to think they are all strong, silent loners. . .but we have all see the bromance in action!  Your man gets excited to see the guys. . .gets himself all prettied up even to hang at home with friends. . .hmmm similar to the way girls act with our closest friends. 

Magazines/Articles – Yes we have all heard the lame lie that a guy only looks at Playboy for the articles.  But when was the last time you picked up a magazine designed for men?  Not all that different from the stuff the ladies read.  Articles on how to attract the opposite sex, how to make yourself desirable. . .Here is a sample of what I read recently on how to pick up a girl:

no dirty jokes:  girls don’t like them
no lame pick up lines:  she has heard them all before
live in the moment: just be yourself
sometimes corny can be a good thing, if you're not forcing it
if its funny then its usually cute

Hmm. . .eerily similar to stuff that is housed in Cosmo, Glamour or any other chick magazine.

Weddings – The bride is the focus of a wedding, right?  The men planned it that way because they want all eyes on her when she is coming down the aisle.  Next wedding you are at, watch the groom instead. . .as soon as he sees the bride, he begins tearing up.  But he needs that couple of minutes while she is in the spotlight on the aisle to pull himself together and wipe away the tears!

I am sure you can think of so many other examples. . .this was really just to get the ball rolling and see what you can come up with too.  But, I think we need to just forget the Men are from Mars business and realize that men and women are really not all that different.. .  we are just allowed to express our feelings and they have to cover it up with a big stinky burp!

How Hard Can I Push?

I thought moving forward with Travis would be easy.  . . ok, I am not completely delusional.  I knew there would be challenges, but I was not prepared for the storm of anger that overcame me.  We had been on two fabulous dates (more accurately, one fabulous date and one accidental lunch) to which I will still call two fabulous dates.  And I got to hear the words that I had been waiting to hear. . .his love for me and his desire to work it out.  That should be a good start, right?  Maybe it is a good start, but not good enough to take away the rage! 

I suddenly became someone I didn’t even like, every time he called I would find a way to pick a fight.  When one of us would be so sick of fighting, we would hang up and I would throw the phone down and I would say to myself –

Yep, never going to hear from him again!

But shockingly, the next morning I would get a text from him –

Good morning beautiful.  I hope you have a great day.

And I would be shocked and pleased that he didn’t run away.  That is really what it came down to. . .I was going to push him away from me as hard as I could and make his life miserable just to see if he would come back.  This was maybe 50% conscious and 50% sub-conscious.  I can’t say that I was intentionally picking these fights because when I would get the text, I would tell myself that I would be nicer to him today.  But then inevitably, every conversation was so awkward and uncomfortable that we would end up fighting again.  Gone were the easy, carefree conversations of our dates. . .pre-working it out.  Now the floodgates of emotion have been opened and we were forced to deal with all the gunk! During our relationship, we didn’t really fight. . .ever.  We had a couple disagreements, but we never raised our voices to each other.  Now. . oh boy. . .now we were FIGHTING!  The whopper came one Saturday night.  It was the normal, slightly awkward conversation that spiraled out of control so quickly.  Of course the root of the fight was him leaving me –

How can you not see what a jerk you were to me and the kids?

You didn’t even give me the common courtesy to talk to me, you just left. . .who does that but a coward!

I told you this wouldn’t be easy and I was right. . .what are you going to do about it?  Run away. . .again?!?

You get the idea of how nasty I was being.  I didn’t want to be but I didn’t know how to stop, until he yelled back at me –

Just stop it. ..that is enough!  I will not let you continue to tear me down!

And I stopped yelling and tearing him down for that moment, it caught me off guard.  So I quietly said into the phone.

I have to go. . .I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

When we hung up, I definitely thought, yep. . .never hearing from him again! 

The next day, I was at brunch with some friends. . .those friends were the same friends we were with the night he proposed.  Although I had seen them since the proposal, this was the first time it was all of us together at one time.  I was painfully aware that I was the only single one in the bunch and I was flooded with memories of the last time we were all together.  It was such a fun and happy night with kids playing, parents talking, laughing and drinking.  And at the end of it all. . .a ring and a promise of a lifetime together. 

But this brunch was the lonely single girl and 2 happily married couples of which I was envious.  They had what I wanted and had come so close to having with Travis.  I shared with the girls about our fight the night before and sadly that morning. . .there was no text from him wishing me a good morning.  I had done it; I had pushed him so hard that I pushed him to leave.  It’s what I knew I was doing . . .well 50% of me knew it,  so why should I be surprised that he actually did it?  A self fulfilling prophecy, right? 

So, if I was trying to push him away, why was I sad when I had succeeded at my goal?  Well, duh!  It wasn’t what I really wanted but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable with him.  I am too scared of getting hurt. 

I know this blog does not portray me in the best light. . .I know that I look like an angry Santa in it and I don’t want to be so angry.  But I am. . .I will not allow myself to feel hurt any more. . .it is so much easier and self-preserving to feel anger. 

By the end of the day, Travis did text me and we did talk.  But nothing feels different. . .I have a feeling I will be picking another fight because I am waiting to hear some magic words that will make me want to forgive him and make me let go of being angry.  So . . .what does forgiveness look like?

And. . .there it is

Do you know what a rare and amazing gift a sleepover is to a single parent?  Multiply that by 2 kids invited to sleepovers on the same night. . .equals a little piece of single parent heaven.   On a night when I was fortunate to experience this little slice of heaven, I couldn’t have it wasted sitting at home watching my Tivo’d re-runs of Jersey Shore.  I don’t know why I suddenly became addicted to this show and I am so embarrassed to share with you that I am! 

Anyway, earlier that day Travis had texted me asking me what I was doing that night, I didn’t have any plans but I didn’t have a babysitter either.  But now. . .well now in sleepover heaven. . .I just so happen to be available!  Do I call him and tell him I am free after all?  If I do see him would that mean that we are spiraling toward a reconciliation?  Reconnecting over Chipotle. . .that was easy and fun, no pressure.   But tonight would be intentional. . .a date. . . I know full well as I ponder what it all means that I will go out with him.  How could I not?  I was excited by the idea of it, but terrified as well.  Since our reconnection over Chipotle, we haven’t really talked.  It hasn’t been a jump back in with both feet kind of thing. . .more of a lunch was nice, now I will dissect everything he said to determine its actual meaning and wait by the phone to see if he calls.  Pathetic!!!  But the million dollar question for me was - Did I want to get back together with him or did I want to get back at him?

But. . .back to not wanting to sit home alone. . . I text -

Hey. . .kids are gone for the night. . .busy?

Yep. . .going out with you!

And there it was, a planned date with Travis.   He picks me up right on time, he is looking and smelling perfect.  His hair is a little spiked, jeans with a button down – so sexy!  We head back to Chipotle, not because it is the nicest place for a date, but because I am still not over the novelty of it being here.  For me, it equals the perfect date place.  It is like a flashback to the other day at lunch, the conversation just flowed and the flirting and deep eye locks abounded!  The whole time my mind is racing though, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?  I can’t not ask. . .I have to know and I have spent the last 5 days, 4 hours and 39 minutes trying to figure out what the kiss meant.  I cannot torture myself any longer . . .

What are we doing?

God. . .there it is, it just fell out of my mouth. . .it was so girly.  Why do girls always have to find the emotion in every situation?  We just can’t let it be!!! 

What do you mean?

God. . .there it is, the typical guy response. . .really???  Non-committal and vague.

You know what I mean. . .are we going to date each other again, are we just going to hang out as friends?  You kissed me, so what are we doing?

Well . . I like that we are talking again and I like seeing you.  I don’t know what the next step is, if you want me here to be your friend and help you fully recover from the pain I caused you then that is what I will be.  If you want to keep dating other people until you decide what is going to happen with us, then I don’t want to stop you. 

Oh, ok.  Totally time to change the subject because that is not the answer I expected.  To give you a little insight into Travis, he is not a casual dating kind of guy. . .I thought he would be totally jealous over the thought of me dating someone else, but to support it?  So not like him.

To help move past this conversation, it was the perfect time to leave Chipotle, walk through Mercato and find ourselves ordering drinks at Burn.  We sat on the patio, listening to the music and watching the people walking by.  My eyes fall on an older lady rockin’ the dance floor until she goes low, low, low, low and can’t get back up.  It takes 3 bartenders to get her back to her feet.  A Cheshire cat smile passes her lips because she is totally enjoying the attention from the 3 hunky bartenders.  COUGAR!  Oh, I can’t be single when I get old!  I can’t be still writing this blog about dating . . .hopefully I will still be writing but maybe mature it past dating?  But worrying about the future is certainly not a reason to want to be with Travis. 

Hey, I listened to this song and thought of you when we were broken up.

I snap out of my depressing future and back into the moment.  I focus my ears to the song –

I see you drivin’ round town with the girl I love and I’m like forget you.  I guess the change in my pocket just wasn’t enough and I’m like forget you.

What. . .did you just call me a gold digger?

No. . .not the whole song made me think of you, just the drivin’ round town with the girl I love.  Because of all your dates. . .that is what I meant!

Whatevs. . .rude!!  I reply, trying to keep it light to him but in my head I am stuck on the girl I love part.  So does he still love me? 

As that song ends, a sense of dread comes over me. . .I recognize the beginning of the next song coming on.  It was “our song”, the song he would pull me close, dance with me and sing in my ear.  I haven’t been able to listen to it since THE day.  But here it is and I can’t get away and to make it worse, I was with him!!  It was all just too much to deal with at one time, so I just cuddled up close to him, nuzzled my face into his neck and just waited it out. . .it seemed like forever!

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Ok. . .made it through “our song”. . .it was miserable for that moment but didn’t change the tone of the night.  We had a blast. . . again and it felt so good how we just fell seamlessly into being together.  But at the end of the date. . .I still wondered WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?  I guess from our conversation earlier, he is leaving the ball in my court to decide what our future looks like.  But if he really wanted to be together, would he really be ok with me dating others while I figure it out?

The next night as I am driving home from dinner with friends, he called –

I need to talk to you.  Can I stop by real quick?

Travis, it’s late and I have to go to bed.

It will only take 5 minutes and I won’t even come inside.

My curiosity got the better of me so I acquiesced and there he was in front of me at midnight on my front porch.

What I said last night when you asked what we are doing was not really the answer I wanted to give you.  I don’t want you to see other people and I don’t want to be just your friend.  I am still in love with you and I have never stopped loving you. I am so sorry for how much I hurt you and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. 

And. . .there it is.  The moment I have been waiting many long months for, the words I have ached to hear. . .this was it.  Holy crap. . .what do I do now?  Is this really what I want?  I wanted to hear him say these exact words, but I don’t know what I want to do with those words now.  I don’t know if I can go back into a happy loving relationship with someone who was so careless with my feelings and the feelings of my children. 

This is going to require a lot of soul searching on my part to decide what is my next move!

Ahh. . .Chipotle

Did you know that Chipotle is not only the best food EVER and food with integrity, but it brings people together too?  Yes, it is truly an amazing little place in the world and I am so thankful that one opened here in Naples.  Not only because I plan on eating there everyday. . .hmm, may have to get some after I post this. . but because it opened a door for me. 

When I was with Travis we took a trip over to the east coast and I introduced him to Chipotle.  He said he loved it as much as I do (which we all know is impossible!) but it became a favorite for both of us.   He knew full well that I would be eating there regularly once it opened here and I assumed he might pop in there a few times as well.  Little did I know that it would be the catalyst for us talking again.

Now, remember. . .we have not spoken to each other in MONTHS.  Even in the days following him leaving me, we didn’t talk.  Our entire break up and all subsequent conversations would take less time than going to the movies.  So us having any conversation is huge and again began because of our love of Chipotle!

I texted him to make sure that he knew that Chipotle was open.   I felt I had to but I was so nervous to hit send. . .I got a message back from him very quickly

I’m heading over there for lunch now!

To which I replied. . .looking for a free lunch. . .but totally kidding.

You remember my order right? 

Then the shocking happened. . .

I’ll get you one, but you will have to pick it up. . .it will be here for 15 more minutes.

Hmm. . .not sure what to think about this, it is lunch time so is he there with a group from work?  Am I just supposed to drive by and pick it up, like McDonalds?  Are we having lunch together?  I really don’t know what to expect when I pull up but I see him sitting outside, looking amazing with 2 burrito bowls and drinks in front of him.  He is dressed in casual clothes and by himself. 

My heart leaps a little bit and I am so painfully aware of each step I take toward him.  I feel like my legs are jello and I am SO worried of tripping over my feet.  My mind jumps to my appearance because I didn’t have time to go home and pretty up!  But, having just come from work, I was looking fabulous and this was my eat your heart out moment. . . look at what you missed out on.

Fortunately, he was as nervous as me because I felt his heart beating out of his chest as we hugged hello.  Neither of us brought up anything from the past few months.  We steered clear of that topic as much as possible, except for a couple digs I threw in just to make myself feel better, like –

I'm sure you did some retail therapy following our break up. . .this is what I got as my retail therapy.  He says as he pulls out an I-touch from his pocket.

I respond with No, since I quit my job to be with you and you walked out, I couldn’t afford retail therapy!

Rude, I know. . .but I just had to say a little something.  Other than that, it was a beautiful conversation about life, travel, friends, the kids, we just seamlessly fell into a great conversation with each other.  I felt very California and new agey by being “friends” with an ex that broke my heart.  Very therapeutic!

I was feeling so glad that I met him, until. . .

He walked me to my car, we hugged and when I pulled back to end the hug, he didn’t let go. I pulled my face back a little bit and said.

Oh, crap. . .you are going to kiss me.

And he kissed me.  Oh, it was such an amazing, comfortable, sweet kiss that was flooded with memories of our past life together and the pain between us.

Then I didn’t feel so California any more. . .I was jolted back to being the neurotic self that I am.  What did the kiss mean?  Did he want to get back together?  Was it just habit?  Is he hoping to hook up with me?  WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN????

I needed to get some perspective. . .I told my neighbor Sue everything that happened and pleaded with her to help me understand what it all meant.

Well, maybe it meant nothing.

What. . .how could it mean nothing?  Now I feel like a loser. . .why did I kiss him?  Oh, but it felt so good to kiss him!

Ok. . .maybe it meant something. . .maybe he does want to try to work it out. . .

Hmm. . .do you think she might be trying to stay neutral???  Of course, I know she doesn’t have the answers. . .there is only one person who holds the answer of his intentions and I certainly can’t ask him.  Although we had a great lunch. . .it probably didn’t mean anything.  It was probably just as therapeutic to him as it was to me and now we will go our separate ways a little more healed than we were the day before.  Perhaps I have to make peace with the fact that I may never know what that kiss meant or maybe I will get an answer and some understanding.   I will just have to wait and see what it all means!  And that means, you will have wait as well, my friends!

Adios

The Old T vs. The New T

Ta da. . .there is my cell telling me that I have a new text.  I glance down and do not recognize the number.  I click the message open and see –

Hi Annie, it’s Travis.

Ugh. . .my heart sinks and I feel like I am going to throw up!  As soon as Travis and I were over, I deleted him from my phone and his number from my memory.  But here he is. . .texting me.

Then it hits me. . .this isn’t Old Travis.  It is New Travis ie Thunderbird222 from online.  Suddenly with that realization I am so disappointed that it wasn’t Old Travis.  But I pull it together and bust out a text response and there begins my time dating New Travis.  It started off with a lot of texting. . . although New Travis was my age, he seemed so much younger and definitely a guy without responsibility. . . in other words, no kids! 

After numerous texts, we finally planned a lunch date at Miller’s Ale House for the next day.  That morning I started getting  these texts

Are you getting ready for our date?

Can’t wait to meet you. . . muah!

Muah?  I don’t know what that means, so I race to my computer and google it.   I am so not down with the text world and I feel like I am talking to an 18 year old!  Google pops up –

MUAH – text for a kiss, the sound of a kiss.

What!?!  We haven’t even met yet but he is already text kissing me?  Hmm. . .starting to wonder about this date.  One usually assumes that it is the girl who is actively seeking a relationship because guys would lose their “man cards” if they became vulnerable and said they wanted a relationship.   Or, gasp even worse if they said they wanted to get married.  I for one am caught off guard if a man shows too much interest in me too soon.  It makes me immediately think they are a crazy stalker. . .oh if only I had listened to my gut!   But I push those thoughts out of my head because I don’t want to ruin my first date and who knows, he could be fabulous.

I arrive at Miller’s first and wait for him outside, when I see him walking toward me, I am pleased that he looks good and true to his description.

Can’t even begin to tell you how awesome this date was. . . we talked about everything and laughed about everything.  He told me all about being an architect, showed me pictures of houses and buildings he has designed, about his family in Illinois and past relationships, horror stories in dating. . . he made me laugh.  In turn I told him about my life, my job, my kids and of course my horror stories in dating. . .I made him laugh.

When our 2 hour lunch was over, I was smitten and optimistic about dating him.  He walked me to my car and gave me a hug goodbye.  I drove home with a smile on my face and flying on cloud nine!  It was so fun. . .this is why people love dating!  I did have a bit of a hang up with his name, but I could get over that!

Ta-da. .  .here it is, the text telling me that he had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again.  Sometimes I like to stall looking at a text because I don’t want to reply right away and seem too eager.  But this time, I grabbed the phone and saw –

So gorgeous in person. . .wow

YES!!!  He had as good of a time as I did!  Oh, I haven’t had this feeling in so long. . . when you meet someone you actually like and want to see again. Ta-da. . another text. . .

I miss u bad. . .can I come back?

Um, what?  I don’t get it. . . you miss me?  Now, I am usually not one to want to play the “rules” game of dating, but telling me you miss me after one lunch is a bit too much for me!  Ta-da. . .

Cnt stop thinkin about you. . . hmmmmm.  Can I c u tonight?  Ill bring me and my lips and great personality.

Whoa!  This is just too much.  Where did the cute, charming guy go?  Why has he been replaced with this overbearing, clingy guy?  I found myself yelling at the phone. . . “wait . . . bring back the other guy!”  Perhaps the people in the cars next to me thought I was a bit crazy, but I was so confused! 

The rest of the afternoon progressed quietly.  Travis and I talked that night but he seemed a little different.  Not the funny, charming dialogue from lunch, instead it was replaced with a lot of junk –

Did you miss me today?

Do you want to see me?

I can’t wait to see you again.

Blah, blah, blah. . .(Ok, I am sure there were real words. . .but they all sounded the same to me!)

These are things I would say to my boyfriend or husband.  Not to a guy following a first date. . .I didn’t really enjoy our conversation too much so I ended it as early as I could.    I went to bed a little deflated, my high from lunch was gone and replaced with a pity party.  I still couldn’t understand what happened with Old Travis and I don’t understand why I am having so much difficulty dating.  I have managed to cross the spectrum of the best of dating to the worst of dating in one day with one date! 

I woke up the next day with a text waiting for me -

Good morning baby. . . you should come cuddle w ur man

And. . .there it is. . . the end for me with New Travis!  I just couldn’t move that fast, I was dating because I wanted to see what was out there and help me feel good about myself following Old Travis.  But I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship with a needy guy who thought we were a couple after one lunch!  Just couldn’t do it! 

So . . maybe this experience showed me that I am not as ready for the dating world as I like to tell myself I am.  Maybe I should let my heart heal more before agreeing to any more dates. . . or maybe if New Travis hadn’t been such a clingon, we could have been very happy together!  Yes, let’s go ahead and blame him for this and push any of the blame off of me! 

TTFN

(had to google what that meant too!)

The Online World

My mom is incredible, she is my best friend and the best possible mom.  She is funny because she is conservative but a bit wacky at the same time because she is an artist too.  For a long time, she was single then she met a great guy.  One would think that a 60 year old woman would meet people at the country club, she tried that and he was a jerk!  Or she might meet someone at a golf lesson, nah. . .she is not that into golf.  So she found the next best way to meet people. . . online!  I know, I was shocked too!  She joined Match.com and after a couple bad or boring dates, she found a good guy. 

Because of this experience, she tends to speak very highly of online dating and “encourages” people to try it out.  By encourage, I mean she will go to their house, take their picture, fill out their profiles then give them dating tips to ensure a successful date. 

I thought, since I am still trying to effectively flex the flirt muscle, I would give it a try. . .but I would not pay for it, I still have some old fashioned girl in me and I couldn’t imagine paying for a date.  So, I tried it for free and WOW what an experience.   Let me begin with the phone calls, emails and IM’s and in some future blogs you will get the hear all about the dates! 

Now one would think, how bad could an email or a phone call be?  That is the “safe” part of dating.  The beauty of email is you can think about your response, re-read/re-type your thoughts so they come out just right.  Likewise, the beauty of a phone call is you can lay in bed in your jammies (or whatever is your comfort zone. . .bed and jammies is mine), while relaxing in your comfort zone it is much easier to be witty and charming.  But, let me share with you the ridiculous crapola I got to hear.  As an aside, after reading this you will be shocked that I actually agreed to meet anyone in person.  But this would not be a very fun blog if I didn’t have so so so much to share.

Moving on to my point. . . Let’s begin with a fun night IMing with Muses.  This is obviously not his name, but his screen name.  I can’t remember if I actually know his real name or not, probably erased it from my memory due to the trauma of having to communicate with him.  You may find that is the case for all the email/phone call “dates”.

Anyway, being new to online dating, I was anxiously reading my emails because I was sure that I would have a ton of great guys to choose from.   I would have to wade through a mountain of hot eligible bachelors, right?  That is what you see on all the ads for online sites, click here to meet sexy singles in your area.  Oh, but wait. . .that isn’t how it works and I don’t know where they hide the sexy singles because try as I might, I couldn’t find any of them.  Instead I had to wade through a dozen creepy, old or extremely unattractive people.  I don’t want to sound too good for the average person, but I will say that I am really stinkin’ adorable and I am not interested in creepy, old or unattractive!

Yet again, I digress.  As I am wading through these emails, yes I am reading them for amusement but not taking them seriously, I get an IM from Muses.  I take a quick scan of his profile, single – ok, cute picture – check, dad to a cute kid – got it, kinda witty – right on.  Ok, I can spend a little time talking to him.

It begins as generic as most conversations do:

Hi

Hi, how are you (this is me. . .see how I have far more words than him?)

Good

Um. . .so am I supposed to respond to that?  Did he change his mind about wanting to talk to me?  Is he not a very good conversationalist?  Is it my job in the online dating world to carry the conversation?  So, I wait to see what happens next.  You know what I get?  Nothing.  Then he is gone, offline.  Really???  What was that?  Now I feel bad about myself, how did I screw up Hi, how are you?  I didn’t even know you could screw up Hi, how are you!!! 

But then a little later he pops open a new IM window, no explanation of where he was, just

Hi

Does he not realize I am the same person he already pulled this rico suave line on?  Being as difficult as I can be and not wanting to make the same mistake with the obviously to personal “how are you” I reply with

Hi

What are you doing?

Nothing, what are you doing?

Nothing.  Just watching NCIS on tv.

Oh. . .

Yeah. . .It is a good show.

Yeah. . .

I know. . .right?!?  If you think this is boring to read now just imagine how I felt that night actually having to endure this conversation!  This is how it went on, I could try to bore you with a play by play, but I think you get the idea of what it was like!  It never progessed past nothingness!  . . .not loving my first experience with the online dating thing!

Ahh, but lets move to my next im, shall we? 

Incoming IM from Magsincognito, again quick scan of profile: tall – check, attractive – check, no kids – check, big family – check.  Ok. . .I will accept your IM!  Again begins with the boring, generic crap until we get to the part when we talk about our jobs.  I tell him that I am the Children’s Ministry Coordinator for a church, not which church because that was a tip from my mom to not share too much info!  Then suddenly, my IM is bumped into overdrive because Magsincognito is sending me bible verse after bible verse after bible verse.  I am huge in my faith, so much so that I have made it my job, but that does not mean that I want to get spewed googled bible verses.   I didn’t know how to end the conversation, I tried by sending a quick. . .oops, gotta go kids are calling me, but I don’t think he saw it in his intense desire to send me the entire bible via IM.  I couldn’t seem to get through to him but I so badly wanted to end this insanity. . what to do, what to do?  I hit the little red X in the corner.  I think I may have screeched a little too when I did it because I felt like I was hanging up on someone and felt a little bad about it!

Next “conversation”. . . .

Back to the email waiting in my inbox. . .I see a message from Pennaguy, I have now mastered how to single handedly jump from my inbox to the profile, scan quickly and back to the email in record time.  It should be considered for an Olympic sport and I would be a worthy contender.  Anyway, Pennaguy. . .height – check, has a job – always good (I feel my standards waning even just in reading the emails!), but wait. . .let me examine that picture a little closer.  He looks so familiar to me, I know him from somewhere, but where?  Ahh. . .I’ve got it!  About a year ago I went out with some friends to the Blue Martini.  It was a really fun “theme” night and we all dressed in animal prints.  While there, I met Pennaguy, we chatted and at the end of the night exchanged phone numbers.  The next day he called me to tell me that he wasn’t really interested in dating me because he wasn’t over his wife.  Humiliation!!!!  Well. . . here he is again. . now he is interested!  We email for a few days and there was never really a spark in the conversation that inspired either of us to want to talk to each other on the phone.  However, I did bring up the fact that we had met a year earlier and he simply said. . .yea, we could have. . I meet a lot of people there!   Ugh, really?  He didn’t even remember me!  So sad!

Only after successfully charming me via IM, I would hand out my cell to the worthy men.   Let’s meet Rodnoids, yes I know I should have known from that name, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.  In the future, don’t give them the benefit of the doubt!

Rodnoids picture was in a tux, very handsome, profile was good. . very cute in IM world, not so much in the real world!  He calls right when he says he will, good sign.  He is very chatty, another good sign.  Until I start listening to what he is saying. . . let’s listen, here are the highlights. .

Yea, my f#$% job sucks. .everyone there are f#$% losers and they are f#$% jealous of me because I make like 3 f#$%ing times more than them.  Then when I was 5 I almost f$%^ing died so now I don’t take s@#$ from anyone because I know what it is like to almost f#$%ing die.  Then I have a total f#$% slut cat, she will f#$% almost anything.

Oh my, I don’t even say anything, but I don’t have to because he is keeping himself busy with the f word and slut cats????  I don’t even know where to begin with dissecting this so I will allow you, my gentle readers to draw your own conclusions.  But before you do, let me add when is it ever acceptable in conversation to use the expression f#$%ing slut cats?

My problem at that moment is I don’t know how to get a word in to get off the phone with him and you see above how troubling it was for me to “hang up” on someone via IM so I certainly couldn’t do it on an actual phone!  So, what do I do?  I shamefully pretend to talk to Morgan (who is asleep in bed) which he hears and stops talking for a moment then I say to him, “oh I’m so sorry but my daughter isn’t feeling well, I have to go.”  Works like a charm!  He is gone, with the request for me to call him back once I get her settled in.  Yea, dude. . .I am pretending to talk to my sleeping daughter to get off the phone with you. . . I'm thinking I am not calling you back, but thanks for wanting to continue this lovely conversation!

As I mentioned above, you are probably shocked that I would be willing to actually venture out on a date after this, but I am a true soldier!   I will not stop until my mission is complete!  Ha!