And. . .there it is

Do you know what a rare and amazing gift a sleepover is to a single parent?  Multiply that by 2 kids invited to sleepovers on the same night. . .equals a little piece of single parent heaven.   On a night when I was fortunate to experience this little slice of heaven, I couldn’t have it wasted sitting at home watching my Tivo’d re-runs of Jersey Shore.  I don’t know why I suddenly became addicted to this show and I am so embarrassed to share with you that I am! 

Anyway, earlier that day Travis had texted me asking me what I was doing that night, I didn’t have any plans but I didn’t have a babysitter either.  But now. . .well now in sleepover heaven. . .I just so happen to be available!  Do I call him and tell him I am free after all?  If I do see him would that mean that we are spiraling toward a reconciliation?  Reconnecting over Chipotle. . .that was easy and fun, no pressure.   But tonight would be intentional. . .a date. . . I know full well as I ponder what it all means that I will go out with him.  How could I not?  I was excited by the idea of it, but terrified as well.  Since our reconnection over Chipotle, we haven’t really talked.  It hasn’t been a jump back in with both feet kind of thing. . .more of a lunch was nice, now I will dissect everything he said to determine its actual meaning and wait by the phone to see if he calls.  Pathetic!!!  But the million dollar question for me was - Did I want to get back together with him or did I want to get back at him?

But. . .back to not wanting to sit home alone. . . I text -

Hey. . .kids are gone for the night. . .busy?

Yep. . .going out with you!

And there it was, a planned date with Travis.   He picks me up right on time, he is looking and smelling perfect.  His hair is a little spiked, jeans with a button down – so sexy!  We head back to Chipotle, not because it is the nicest place for a date, but because I am still not over the novelty of it being here.  For me, it equals the perfect date place.  It is like a flashback to the other day at lunch, the conversation just flowed and the flirting and deep eye locks abounded!  The whole time my mind is racing though, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?  I can’t not ask. . .I have to know and I have spent the last 5 days, 4 hours and 39 minutes trying to figure out what the kiss meant.  I cannot torture myself any longer . . .

What are we doing?

God. . .there it is, it just fell out of my mouth. . .it was so girly.  Why do girls always have to find the emotion in every situation?  We just can’t let it be!!! 

What do you mean?

God. . .there it is, the typical guy response. . .really???  Non-committal and vague.

You know what I mean. . .are we going to date each other again, are we just going to hang out as friends?  You kissed me, so what are we doing?

Well . . I like that we are talking again and I like seeing you.  I don’t know what the next step is, if you want me here to be your friend and help you fully recover from the pain I caused you then that is what I will be.  If you want to keep dating other people until you decide what is going to happen with us, then I don’t want to stop you. 

Oh, ok.  Totally time to change the subject because that is not the answer I expected.  To give you a little insight into Travis, he is not a casual dating kind of guy. . .I thought he would be totally jealous over the thought of me dating someone else, but to support it?  So not like him.

To help move past this conversation, it was the perfect time to leave Chipotle, walk through Mercato and find ourselves ordering drinks at Burn.  We sat on the patio, listening to the music and watching the people walking by.  My eyes fall on an older lady rockin’ the dance floor until she goes low, low, low, low and can’t get back up.  It takes 3 bartenders to get her back to her feet.  A Cheshire cat smile passes her lips because she is totally enjoying the attention from the 3 hunky bartenders.  COUGAR!  Oh, I can’t be single when I get old!  I can’t be still writing this blog about dating . . .hopefully I will still be writing but maybe mature it past dating?  But worrying about the future is certainly not a reason to want to be with Travis. 

Hey, I listened to this song and thought of you when we were broken up.

I snap out of my depressing future and back into the moment.  I focus my ears to the song –

I see you drivin’ round town with the girl I love and I’m like forget you.  I guess the change in my pocket just wasn’t enough and I’m like forget you.

What. . .did you just call me a gold digger?

No. . .not the whole song made me think of you, just the drivin’ round town with the girl I love.  Because of all your dates. . .that is what I meant!

Whatevs. . .rude!!  I reply, trying to keep it light to him but in my head I am stuck on the girl I love part.  So does he still love me? 

As that song ends, a sense of dread comes over me. . .I recognize the beginning of the next song coming on.  It was “our song”, the song he would pull me close, dance with me and sing in my ear.  I haven’t been able to listen to it since THE day.  But here it is and I can’t get away and to make it worse, I was with him!!  It was all just too much to deal with at one time, so I just cuddled up close to him, nuzzled my face into his neck and just waited it out. . .it seemed like forever!

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Ok. . .made it through “our song”. . .it was miserable for that moment but didn’t change the tone of the night.  We had a blast. . . again and it felt so good how we just fell seamlessly into being together.  But at the end of the date. . .I still wondered WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?  I guess from our conversation earlier, he is leaving the ball in my court to decide what our future looks like.  But if he really wanted to be together, would he really be ok with me dating others while I figure it out?

The next night as I am driving home from dinner with friends, he called –

I need to talk to you.  Can I stop by real quick?

Travis, it’s late and I have to go to bed.

It will only take 5 minutes and I won’t even come inside.

My curiosity got the better of me so I acquiesced and there he was in front of me at midnight on my front porch.

What I said last night when you asked what we are doing was not really the answer I wanted to give you.  I don’t want you to see other people and I don’t want to be just your friend.  I am still in love with you and I have never stopped loving you. I am so sorry for how much I hurt you and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. 

And. . .there it is.  The moment I have been waiting many long months for, the words I have ached to hear. . .this was it.  Holy crap. . .what do I do now?  Is this really what I want?  I wanted to hear him say these exact words, but I don’t know what I want to do with those words now.  I don’t know if I can go back into a happy loving relationship with someone who was so careless with my feelings and the feelings of my children. 

This is going to require a lot of soul searching on my part to decide what is my next move!